"Moms…do you ever feel like the weight of the world is resting firmly on your shoulders? Do you ever feel like it's your job…YOUR JOB… to make sure that your kids always do the right thing and turn out well? Do you ever worry that the entire neighborhood is aware and judging you when your kids sneak out of the house with mismatched socks, messy hair and less-than-polite attitudes?
Oftentimes, the most loving and effective mothers take the most heat from others and themselves.
Wonderful moms understand that kids need to make plenty of small, affordable mistakes. They know that kids must experience occasional struggles and disappointments. They also know that constant rescuing or micromanaging just creates kids who need constant rescuing and micromanaging.
Because of this, the best moms often feel a bit lonely and unsure of themselves. They feel lonely because our society too frequently rewards what looks good rather than what is good. They feel lonely because they rarely overhear other mothers bragging about allowing their kids to learn by forgetting a lunch, misplacing an occasional homework paper, or having to pay for a lost coat.
The best moms often feel a bit lonely and unsure of themselves.
It's easy to feel guilty or insecure when you see so many "super hover mommies" acting like pack mules, carrying all of their children's sporting equipment, back packs and other responsibilities. It's easy to lose perspective when your minivan is the only one without an "Honor Student" bumper sticker. It's tempting to waver when the parents next door are working harder completing their child's homework than their child is.
On this Mother's Day holiday, I hope to encourage all of the wonderful mothers who let things fall apart from time to time…who understand the wisdom of providing a rather imperfect world for their kids. When you find yourself feeling insecure or guilty, listen to our audio, Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants, and be reminded that it's far better for our kids to submit a sloppy science fair project than them seeing us hunched over the kitchen table frantically doing it for them."
This got me thinking--a dangerous past time, I know (name that movie). I always look at Heidi and think what an amazing mom she is. Her kids eat their vegetables, are well-mannered and smart, her house is so clean, she makes her own bread, she's so organized, she has it all together, etc., etc. Then I look at myself and think what a terrible mom I am. My kids aren't really sure what vegetables are, they can throw some amazing tantrums, my house is a disaster zone, my life feels like chaos most days, etc., etc. I realize that I do this with most women I know. It is very easy for me to only see the wonderful things that other moms are doing and compare that to what I feel are my inadequacies. When I read this post by Heidi, I felt a little surprised. She feels this way too sometimes?! But she is an awesome mom! It never occurs to me that these super moms that I see all around me feel the same inadequacies and self-judgments as I do. Maybe when we think people are looking at us judging us, maybe, just maybe, they didn't even notice or think twice that my kids had McDonald's twice last week.
I'm realizing that when out in public, most moms try to put their best foot forward just like I do. It's not an act, per se, it's more of a fake it 'til you make it kind of thing. If I act like I have it all together when I take my children to story time at the library, then maybe one day it will come true...some day.
Whenever I see someone else's child throwing a tantrum or misbehaving or with messy hair, I always think, "Oh, thank heavens! Someone else is imperfect like me and has imperfect children like me too!" Followed by a sigh of relief and strong urge to hug the stuffing out of that good, frazzled mother.
So I think for Mother's Day this year, I'm going to give myself a gift--the gift of no judging. I'm going to try really hard to stop comparing my faults to other's strengths. I'm going to compliment myself when I do something right and forgive myself when I do something wrong. I'm going to lower my expectations for myself. I mean, I don't expect my friends to do everything and do it perfectly, so why do I expect that of myself? And most of all, I'm going to accept the fact that God loves me and that He never meant for me to do this mother thing perfectly or to do this alone. I need to quit floundering for so long before I turn to Him for help.
So, chin up, Jolene! You're doing just fine.
Here's a piece of art that I didn't really understand when I first saw it many years ago, but now there's something about it that just resonates with me. If you notice all of the responsibilities that the woman is carrying, and how her foot just brushes the tree below her. She's not flying high. She's just barely clearing the trees. That's how I feel most days, but I'm flying nonetheless.
It's called Responsible Woman. The artist is James Christensen. You can check out his other artwork at: http://www.jameschristensen.com/
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