Letting Go

Where to start? Things have been a little rough for our dog, Gimli, lately. A couple of months ago he started limping a little bit. It kept getting worse to the point where he wouldn't walk on his back leg at all. We took him to the vet and found out that he blew out his knee. I was so relieved because I had been reading on-line and everyone talked about hip cancer being common in big dogs. I was so happy it wasn't cancer. The vet told us that he could get surgery, but it was very costly. Ever since we almost lost Gimli a couple of years ago, we promised ourselves not to put him through anything like that again. At his age, it is also really risky to do any major surgeries, plus, last time we discovered (after a lot of bleeding and a blood transfusion) that he is a hemophyliac. This time surgery just wasn't the right answer for him. The vet gave him a prescription for doggie Ibprofen, and we decided to wait things out and see what happens. He hasn't been able to put any weight at all on his back leg but has gotten pretty good at hobbling around. We decided on criteria for making the big decision: 1. Was he in pain? 2. Could he go outside on his own to go to the bathroom? 3. Was he eating and drinking well? 4. Was he happy? Well, the medicine helped, and he hasn't really seemed to be in pain. But he can't get up any stairs, and so couldn't get in and out of the house on his own. He could walk though, so Hubs built him this awesome ramp up to the back door. Problem solved. But in the past few weeks, he's dropped a lot of weight. His collar and his skin just hang on him. And he doesn't get up very much at all. He used to rush to greet Hubs when he got home from work, but now he just stays on his bed. He struggles to get up more and more and lately he's had a few accidents in the house. I keep trying to tell myself that it's just a rough patch, and things will get better, but all the while Gimli is trying to tell us good-bye.
The past few months it has seemed like he has been training Gus and delegating a lot of his 'duties' to the puppy. He has started eating out of Gus' bowl and has given his bowl, the alpha bowl, to Gus. A few times I haven't been able to find him, only to discover him sleeping in the nursery with Sam. And the past week he just gives these looks that seem to say that it's okay to let go. But it is so hard. I know that he has had a good life and that he knows how much we love him. And he's been such a good dog. Well, more than a dog. He was our first boy. He is my best friend. When I think of all that he has helped me through, especially all the years of trying to start our family. So many times he would cuddle on the love sac with me while I cried. And when I was sick, he would be extra gentle when he would lie down next to me. He was my guardian. Whenever Hubs has to go out-of-town for work, he always tell Gimli, "Now you look after your momma for me." And Gimli does. He has always just been there. He went jeeping with us in Moab; he went rock crawling with us and even got to ride in Clay's bus once; he rode in parades; he went for walks; anyone who knows us well, knows Gimli. He is part of our family.
And now I just got off the phone and have set the date for the vet to come and put him down. No more denial. No more hoping to change fate. I was hoping we wouldn't have to make this decision, but I know that Gimli isn't happy. He has always been there for us, and now we need to be there for him.
Here's a song that Hubs had me listen to last night that feels like what Gimli has been trying to tell us:

If heaven was an hour, it would be twilight

When the fireflies start their dancin' on the lawn
And supper's on the stove and mamma's laughin'
And everybody's workin' day is done.

If heaven was a town, it would be my town
On a summer day in 1985
And everything I wanted was out there waiting
And everyone I loved was still alive.

Chorus:
Don't cry a tear for me now baby;
There comes a time we must all say goodbye;
And if that's what heaven's made of
You know I ain't afraid to die.

If heaven was a pie, it would be cherry
Cool and sweet and heavy on your tongue
And just one bite would satisfy your hunger
And there'd always be enough for everyone.

If heaven was a train it sure would be a fast one
That could take this weary traveler round the bend
And if heaven was a tear, it'd be my last one
And you'd be in my arms again.

Chorus:
Don't cry a tear for me now baby;
There comes a time we must all say goodbye;
And if that's what heaven's made of
You know I ain't afraid to die.

And here's a verse for Gimli:

If heaven had a dog, it would be Gimli
With his big heart so full of love;
And angels will care for him and play with him up above
Just until I can have him again with me.