I just loved this, especially--You are not a terrible parent if you can’t figure out a way for your children to eat as healthy as your friend’s children do. She’s obviously using a bizarre and probably illegal form of hypnotism.
Ha ha! That made me laugh because it is too true for me! And I enjoyed the message of this post--it's okay to admit that being a parent is tough because it is. I can't find the exact quote right now, but it goes something like this: I'm not a failure as a mother, I'm just having a bad moment. We all have bad moments and we all have good moments. Having bad moments doesn't make us a failure, it just makes us human. And children can be very humbling. Any time that I feel like I might be getting the hang of this mother thing, the boys like to throw out something new.
For example, the other day we were at the planetarium and Sam was having a complete melt-down because he wanted to go to this other place. I knew that he would love the planetarium if he would just give it a chance, but he was beyond reasoning. So there I was just inside the doors of the planetarium with Mark and Cole in the double stroller and Sam screaming and crying that he didn't want to be there. I knelt down next to Sam and very calmly told him that he had two choices--we could turn around right then, get back in the car, and go home OR we could give the planetarium a try. Then I quickly pointed out a couple of cool things. I told him to take a deep breath, count to four, and decide. What I really wanted to do was pull my hair out, spank the kid, and retreat. But it actually worked. He calmed down, chose the planetarium and ended up having a great time. As we were waiting for a little video to start, this man came up to me and told me that he and his friend had been in the lobby during our little melt-down. He said that he worked as a flight attendant and has seen a lot in his profession. He then complimented me on how I handled the situation, saying that I handled it "just right" and that he could tell that I am a good mom. I had two thoughts, I wanted to cry and hug that man because I never feel like that and two, I want to recognize the good and compliment the parents that I see as I'm out and about. I was on cloud nine! He made my day.
Fast forward two days later. I'm at a store. Sam is having another melt-down because he really wants me to buy him this expensive toy. I explain to him that it costs money and that we don't have the money to buy the toy at that time. I try to give him choices. I try the count to four idea. I try reasoning, positive consequences (aka bribing), negative consequences (aka threats)...nothing works. I end up just ignoring him as he screams, face turning purple, for the entire 15-20 minutes it takes me to hurry and finish my shopping. I'm glad my flight attendant friend wasn't there that day.
Ups and downs. It's life. It's motherhood.
Anyway, on to the post:
To parents of small children: Let me be the one who says it out loud
I am in a season of my life right now where I feel bone tired almost all of the time. Ragged, how-am-I-going-to-make-it-to-the-end-of-the-day, eyes burning exhausted.
I have three boys ages 5 and under. I’m not complaining about that. Well, maybe I am a little bit. But I know that there are people who would give anything for a house full of laughter & chaos. I was that person for years and years; the pain of infertility is stabbing and throbbing and constant. I remember allowing hope to rise and then seeing it crash all around me, month after month, for seven years. I am working on another post about infertility that will come at a later date.
But right now, in my actual life, I have three boys ages five and under. There are many moments where they are utterly delightful, like last week when Isaac told my sister-in-law that “My daddy has hair all over.” Or when Elijah put a green washcloth over his chin and cheeks, and proudly declared,“Daddy! I have a beard just like you!” Or when Ben sneaks downstairs in the morning before the other boys do, smiles at me, and says, “Daddy and Ben time.”
But there are also many moments when I have no idea how I’m going to make it until their bedtime. The constant demands, the needs, and the fighting are fingernails across the chalkboard every single day.
One of my children is for sure going to be the next Steve Jobs. I now have immense empathy for his parents. He has a precise vision of what he wants — exactly that way and no other way. Sometimes it’s the way his plate needs to be centered exactly to his chair, or how his socks go on, or exactly how the picture of the pink dolphin needs to look – with brave eyes, not sad eyes, daddy! He is a laser beam, and he is not satisfied until it’s exactly right.
I have to confess that sometimes the sound of his screaming drives me to hide in the pantry. And I will neither confirm nor deny that while in there, I compulsively eat chips and/or dark chocolate.
There are people who say this to me:
“You should enjoy every moment now! They grow up so fast!”
I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold them under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.
If you have friends with small children — especially if your children are now teenagers or if they’re grown – please vow to me right now that you will never say this to them. Not because it’s not true, but because it really, really doesn’t help.
We know it’s true that they grow up too fast. But feeling like I have to enjoy every moment doesn’t feel like a gift, it feels like one more thing that is impossible to do, and right now, that list is way too long. Not every moment is enjoyable as a parent; it wasn’t for you, and it isn’t for me. You just have obviously forgotten. I can forgive you for that. But if you tell me to enjoy every moment one more time, I will need to break up with you.
If you are a parent of small children, you know that there are moments of spectacular delight, and you can’t believe you get to be around these little people. But let me be the one who says the following things out loud:
You are not a terrible parent if you can’t figure out a way for your children to eat as healthy as your friend’s children do. She’s obviously using a bizarre and probably illegal form of hypnotism.
You are not a terrible parent if you yell at your kids sometimes. You have little dictators living in your house. If someone else talked to you like that, they’d be put in prison.
You are not a terrible parent if you can’t figure out how to calmly give them appropriate consequences in real time for every single act of terrorism that they so creatively devise.
You are not a terrible parent if you’d rather be at work.
You are not a terrible parent if you just can’t wait for them to go to bed.
You are not a terrible parent if the sound of their voices sometimes makes you want to drink and never stop.
You’re not a terrible parent.
You’re an actual parent with limits. You cannot do it all. We all need to admit that one of the casualties specific to our information saturated culture is that we have sky-scraper standards for parenting, where we feel like we’re failing horribly if we feed our children chicken nuggets and we let them watch TV in the morning.
One of the reasons we are so exhausted is that we are oversaturated with information about the kind of parents we should be.
So maybe it’s time to stop reading the blogs that tell you how to raise the next President who knows how to read when she’s three and who cooks, not only eats, her vegetables. Maybe it’s time to embrace being the kind of parent who says sorry when you yell. Who models what it’s like to take time for yourself. Who asks God to help you to be a better version of the person that you actually are, not for more strength to be an ideal parent.
So the next time you see your friends with small children with that foggy and desperate look in their eyes, order them a pizza and send it to their house that night. Volunteer to take their kids for a few hours so they can be alone in their own house and have sex when they’re not so tired, for heaven’s sake. Put your hand on their shoulder, look them in the eyes, and tell them that they’re doing a good job. Just don’t freak out if they start weeping uncontrollably. Most of the time, we feel like we’re botching the whole deal and our kids will turn into horrible criminals who hate us and will never want to be around us when they’re older.
You’re bone tired. I’m not sure when it’s going to get better. Today might be a good day or it might be the day that you lost it in a way that surprised even yourself.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
You’re not alone.
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