PITSD--a more serious post

Today I've decided to share some thoughts that I generally don't really even say out loud. Be aware that there's going to be a lot of soul pouring in the post and probably a lot of rambling! Here it goes: I have PITSD--Post Infertility Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've made up the name, but I know it has to be a real thing (btw, I'm not mocking or taking PTSD lightly).  I usually don't notice it too much, except at certain times, like Mother's Day. For a long time, Mother's Day was not a happy day for me. It was actually a very painful, heart breaking day for me. When dealing with infertility, Mother's Day is not a day to look forward to. I would try to focus on showing my love and appreciation for my amazing mother and mother-in-law and all of the other awesome women in my life, but it was still difficult. Listening to the children sing songs to their mothers at church would bring lots of sobbing and mascara smeared across my face. Some years I did better than others, but some years were very dark.

But now I have children. I am finally a mom. Still, I sometimes feel this hesitation to really enjoy Mother's Day, like, am I really allowed this wonderful thing? I am also very aware that there are so many women who are dealing with infertility, miscarriage, death of a child, death of their mother,  and so many other things that make this day so hard to face. I know some of that pain. I feel torn because I want to celebrate being a mother because I am so happy and blessed to be one. And yet, I want to do something to show these struggling women how much they are loved and that they are in my thoughts and prayers. I want to join the group of moms and cry and laugh about the struggles of every day motherhood, and I want to join the group of women struggling and crying. I want to hug each of them, and if I could I would show them my heart and say, "See I have those scars on my heart too, but I made it, and you will too. You can do this, and you are not alone."

When you have PITSD, it is difficult to not always be waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath you. When I found out that I was pregnant for the first time, I spent the first month or two really trying to convince myself that it was really a baby and not a tumor that my body had somehow misunderstood to be a baby. I worried and fretted the entire pregnancy that something was going to go wrong. I just couldn't believe that something that good was really happening for me. Once my husband was out later than I had anticipated, and I couldn't get a hold of him. I was so sure that he was dead because I was pregnant and so something bad had to happen. Well, thankfully, he was fine. The baby was fine. And now I have three handsome, wonderful little boys. I am so truly blessed in my life, but if I'm not careful, sometimes the anticipation of something bad happening will creep back in. But I have to just keep telling myself that there are plenty of bad things that can happen in life, but there are also many more good things that happen every day. And when the bad things happen, I will get through them with the Lord's help. For now, I'm just going to live and enjoy every minute of this wonderful life that is mine.

Another effect of PITSD is the overwhelming feeling that you must be a perfect parent. I sometimes put too much pressure on myself because I couldn't have children for five years. For five years, I obsessed over how much I wanted to be a mother. Sometimes I feel like I should be better because of those earlier struggles, like more is expected of me, because I wanted it so badly, as though it would be ungrateful to not do everything perfectly. I remember before I had children how much I hated when mothers would make flippant comments about wanting to get rid of their children. Occasionally, a mother would say something like, "You want kids? Here take little Timmy. He's driving me crazy." And I would get so mad because how dare this mother throw it in my face that she could have children and I couldn't. Now I understand a little better what that mother was going through. There have been a few times when I have threatened my children that I'm going to sell them to the zoo to live with the monkeys or to a traveling band of gypsies. And then I feel really guilty because how dare I think such things? I wanted children so badly for so long, I better love every minute of motherhood, right? I am slowly learning that infertility didn't up the requirements for me. All of us go through different struggles. If someone has cancer and beats it, do I expect them to now be a saint? No, of course not. We're all human, and I need to allow myself to be human too.

Anyway, I hope tomorrow that I can somehow help all the women around me know how amazing they are. As a mother, I am realizing more and more that it really does take a village to raise a child. My sons are so blessed to have wonderful grandmothers, aunts, cousins, an AWESOME nanny, amazing friends, and teachers helping them and caring for them. Women are like aspen trees. Aspen trees share a root system which gives them strength to endure the roughest of weather and gives them the nourishment they need to grow and strive in the hardest of conditions such as drought or long, cold winters. The largest root system is a cluster of Aspen trees in Utah that covers roughly 106 acres. As women, the more we reach out to one another, the more strength we have and the more good we can do as a collective power for good. The winds of adversity can't shake me or my little saplings because I have the strength of my sisters. I want to do more to contribute to that sisterhood and strengthen and encourage the women around me. So, sister reading this, know that no matter where you are in life or what you're going through, you are AMAZING and TREMENDOUS and 100% AWESOME! Thank you for all that you do. And I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow--you deserve it!