Egg shell moments

I once heard that when a chick hatches, it must break through the egg shell all by itself. While the shell may seem thin and easy to break to others, it is quite the struggle for a tiny, newborn chick. The mother bird doesn't help the bird to break through the shell because she knows that this process will help her little one develop needed muscles and strength. A farmer once thought he was helping by breaking away the shells of some chicks he had in an incubator, but, to his dismay, all of the chicks died soon after. Lesson to be learned: Our struggles make us stronger.
As a mother, I am often asking myself: Is this a help moment? Or is this an egg shell moment? Last night was one of those moments. For the past couple of weeks, Sam has been struggling to go to sleep both at night and at nap time. Normally, we put him in his crib and after a few minutes, he's out. Sometimes he'll squawk for a minute, but then falls asleep. Well, lately it has been a big production of crying and tantrums. The first time I thought it was because he had a little bit of a cold, and I ended up rocking him to sleep. Then I thought it was because he has recently learned to pull himself up to standing and will often be standing in his crib crying when I go in the nursery. I thought he was 'stranded' and would quickly help him lie down so he could sleep. But then he would cry and cry, so I thought maybe he was all worked up and needed comforting, so I would hold him and cuddle him until he fell asleep. Yesterday I began to realize that I was forming some bad habits. My little guy who was perfectly fine to fall asleep on his own just two weeks ago, suddenly couldn't go to sleep unless I was holding him. So last night I studied it out and decided that it was time for a little tough love. I decided to let him cry it out. But he can't get himself down when he pulls himself up to standing! The books all said that I needed to let him learn how to do it himself. Give him time, and he will figure it out. But if I don't go to him will he learn that he can't trust me to be there for him or that the world is a cruel place? Again, most of the experts that I've come to trust and whose advice has been good in other things said that it is healthy for babies to cry, that it won't damage them emotionally or hurt the bonds between parent and child. It causes hurt for the mom, not the baby. I committed myself to it and found myself facing a long night. Sam cried for two hours last night. I ended up lying in the hall just barely outside the nursery so that I could see him but he couldn't see me. As I watched him cry (sometimes scream as he was very angry), it was so hard not to go to him. But I knew that he was fed, his diaper was clean, the temperature was comfortable. We had done our night time routine of a story, song, and prayer. He was simply tired and needed to go to sleep. He was standing up, holding onto the edge of the crib, and as we came closer and closer to midnight, his head would start to bob. He was so tired! But, unfortunately, both of his parents passed down the stubborn gene, and he wasn't going down without a fight. As I lay there on the floor, I kept wondering, Is this a help moment or an egg shell moment? And I really felt like it was an egg shell moment--as much as I was hating it. Finally, Sam started to simmer down and I went to bed. Sam somehow managed to get himself back down and fall asleep. This morning at 7 am, he woke up cheerful and happy to see me. At nap time, he cried for forty minutes before going to sleep. Do I kind of feel like this cruel mother? Of course. I hate to see him upset and to hear him crying. He's my baby, and I would do anything for him. But do I want what is best for him and to see him grow up smart, healthy, and good? Yes, of course. And so we have to go through this little season of tears.
I sometimes wonder if it's like that for our Heavenly Father. Does he like to see us struggle and go through trials? Of course not. He's our Father and loves us so much. He gave us His Son that we might not suffer as much. I love the scripture that says that the Savior suffered all things that He might know how to succor His people. He knows our suffering because He has felt our pain and our heartache. He knows what we are going through and is there for us. Our loving Father knows that we need egg shell moments to make us stronger. And when it's really hard and it doesn't feel like we can make it, we can turn to Him. This weekend we just found out that someone very close to us is getting divorced. Because of some wrong choices her husband made, she is now looking at being a single mother of five beautiful children. She is such a loving, stalwart, faithful woman, and it breaks my heart to see her going through something like this. And you wonder why she and her sweet family have to face such trials. I think of a line from the Joseph Smith movie when Emma Smith asks her husband, "Do you ever feel the Lord asks too much of us?" And I think of how they lost so many children and the persecutions and violence raged against them and how often Joseph was torn away from Emma without her knowing if she would ever see him again. And I remember those chicks and remind myself that we all need those egg shell moments. We all need to learn and grow. The Lord gives us plenty of 'help' moments--there have been many times in my life when I have felt as though carried on the wings of angels. But in His infinite wisdom and love, He also gives us those egg shell moments too. Why? Because He loves us.

The Book of Mormon v. the Cell Phone

I heard this at a fireside last night with Alex Boye. It was originally written by a preacher. The Book of Mormon has been inserted in the place of the Bible.

Cell Phone vs. Book of Mormon
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Book of Mormon like we treat our
cell phones?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we used it to receive messages?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it as we traveled?

What if we used it in case of an emergency?

What if we upgraded it to get the latest version?

This is something to make you go, hmmm, where is my Book of Mormon?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cellphones, we don’t ever have to worry
about our Book of Mormon being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
It is free, unlimited minutes night and day, any hour. There is no peak time. You won't get disconnected. No hidden fees. No roaming. No voice mail. Heavenly Father is there live to listen, to bless us, and to love us every time we make the call!

Summer Catch-up Part 2

Here are some of our adventures from summer:
Sam went swimming for the first time and loved it. After that, he swam and swam and swam!

We had the opportunity to go to the Crane reunion and see many of our relatives from Nic's side of the family. Also, that weekend we went to Draper Days which is always so much fun with a parade and city fair.

Heidi and the kids were in town the next week and it was a whirlwind of adventures. We went swimming, drove go-karts, played miniture golf, floated down the Draper canal on inner tubes, and many more adventures! It was great to hang out with Aunt Heidi and all of the cousins.

The next weekend, we went to Nic's last Smiths/Primary Children's golf tournament. Smiths is making a lot of changes and so Nic's role with Smiths will no longer exist soon. I know Nic will figure things out as far as work goes and make things work, but it has been very stressful for him. The tournament had a different feel to it than usual, because many of the people there knew that it would be their last and that their jobs most likely wouldn't be around for long.
Nic's friend, Kris, was also in town that weekend from Ohio, so we went from the golf tournament to visit with them. Kris' husband, Chris, is in the millitary and is in Iraq right now. It was fun to see Kris and the kids. They are such a cute family!
Other fun things:

• Youth Conference
• Dad's cool cast with camouflage/Sam-print design
• Reno
• Tuacahnn

Summer Catch-up (and Mayo)

Okay, here goes a super long, adventure-filled post about all that we did this summer. Well, most of what we did...I'm getting older and my memory sometimes fails me!
At the end of June, I went to Girl's Camp. It was at the Heber Valley Camp, and with cabins, running water + the opportunity to shower as wanted, good food, and gorgeous surroundings, it was some pretty plush camping. While I was gone for the week, Sam went and spent a fun-filled week with g-ma M, g-pa M, J, and Nanny. I have to be honest right up front--Sam had a blast and came home with some cute new outfits. Mom, on the other hand, may have got a little Sam-sick and shed some tears! Cell-phone coverage was pretty much non-existent except for in random places, my favorite place being a long, uphill hike to what I called 'Cell-phone bush'. So every night, even during an electrical storm (not smart, but, hey, I was missing my baby!), I would hike up the hill to 'Cell-phone bush' and call home and cry.
I had a good time though. We did skits, sang songs, did crafts, hiked, canoed out onto this lake, sat around the campfire, blazed a new trail, played games, went to firesides, and all the other fun things you do at girl's camp. We have some amazing young women in our ward. We had five girls up at camp with three leaders, but I love our small numbers. I think it helps us be closer-knit together. Anamarie, our young women president, is awesome. She is one of those rare go-getters who really carries our program on her shoulders and gets things done. She is amazing. And I discovered that we have many similar personality traits. We were the 'tough' love leaders! Heidi, the other leader at camp, is so much fun. I especially enjoyed getting to know her better. She was eight months pregnant at camp. People were so shocked to see her there. She was a real trooper, I have to say! One lady came up to her and said, "Is it true that you're due this week?" (The rumors were flying!) I told Heidi that she should have told the lady that she was actually two weeks overdue! I feel so much closer to the other leaders and the girls now. Before camp, I was really nervous and prayed a lot about going because I didn't feel like I was a fun enough person. I'm just not one of those bubbly, out-going people and worried that I was too boring. But I ended up having a great time and strengthening my friendships. I became the camp hair stylist and bandana expert!


Also during camp, we had a couple of good spiritual experiences. One of the girls at camp with us is a non-member. She also has a slight disability that makes it hard for her to walk really well on un-even surfaces. The very first night at camp, she fell going in to the cabin and twisted her ankle. Granted, I felt that it was a little more drama than injury, but it was neat for me to see how people just served her, no questions asked. One of the stake presidency and our stake high councilman actually carried her up this really steep, long hill to get to the pavillion for a stake devotional. I was just so impressed with these men and the thought came to me of how much the priesthood carries all of us in our lives. The next day, we told the girl that she had to walk for herself or go home (there's the tough love I was talking about =). Her ankle felt better right away! One of the nights the stake had a fireside with a program done by Jenny Phillips. She has a wonderful talent for writing songs that can really invite the spirit and touch your heart. I hope that our little non-member girl felt the spirit--she was one of the first ones down after the program to get autographs!
Another experience was with our bishop. A couple days into camp and we could tell that our bishop really wasn't feeling very well. He was having extremely bad headaches and just wasn't his usual active self. So finally, Anamarie and I talked to him and told him that if he needed to go home he could. He took us up on the offer (another fact that confirmed that it was serious). Before he left, the other two stake guys came and gave him a priesthood blessing. That night, we had a special prayer for him that he would be okay. It was a comforting spirit after that prayer. It turned out that the bishop had liquid on his brain and actually ended up in the hospital as soon as he got home. I'm so glad that he made it safely and know that was an answer to our prayers. Later, the bishop had to have a hole drilled in his skull to relieve some of the pressure but is pretty much back to his usual self now. He is such an amazing, good man. I'm glad that he is doing better now!

The weekend of July 4th we had our first Independence celebration with Sam. First, Sam and I got up early and went to the ward flag raising ceremony and breakfast. It was a really nice program and great food. Then we got Nic out of bed and went out to G-ville for the parade and activities at the park. I totally got pegged in the head with a piece of candy confirming Nic's belief that no one from where I'm from can catch! G-pa was working the Sons of the Utah Pioneer's booth at the park and tried to give Sam some fish, to which mommy said 'no'! After the park, we went to my parent's house and had hamburgers and homemade rootbeer that my brother made. It was all a lot of fun, that good old fashioned kind of fun. Then we went to a birthday party for Clay's dad and then to a barbecue at Clay's house. By the end of the day we were so tired that I don't think we made it to the fireworks!

Okay, the boss man is yelling at me. I gotta go! =) To be continued...

A Visit with Infertile Myrtle

Long time no post! I promise that there is a post on its way that will re-cap our many summer adventures and be plumb full of adorable pictures of Sam. But right now I have other things on my mind that need to find the words. I want another baby! There, I said it. Now people are thinking, "You already have your miracle...Sam is only nine months old...just be happy with what you have...don't worry about it..." And I am so happy. Sam is the stuff dreams are made of. His personality is really starting to shine, and there are so many moments each day that he just steals my heart away. He's starting to say, "Mama" more consistently, especially when he really wants me to pick him up. (His first word was "Dada". He would babble dadadadada all the time, but one morning, I pointed to a picture of Nic and asked, "who is this?" Sam replied, "Dada". He sees Nic and says "dada" all the time now). The other day, Nic said, "That little boy is so in love with you!" And I began to notice how he watches me and listens to me and loves to be with me. He's started doing this thing now that when you hold him he will rest his head against your shoulder and pat your back with his little hand. I'm so in love with that little boy!

So, yeah, life is good. I'm happily married. I'm a happy mom. But I'm starting to get those urges for another one. I've been trying to keep it under control, not let it get the best of me. But I will admit, that lately when I start my period each month, it's disappointing. It's starting to ping at my heart again. I guess I was subconsciously hoping that now that I've had one baby, voila, my womb would be made over into this amazing baby-making machine! I loved being pregnant, and my body was good at it. There were the back aches and sore hips, but pregnancy rocked. I loved the feeling of life growing inside of me. And for the first time in my life, I felt like my body and I were on the same side, like we were friends not enemies. So I assumed that my new BFF and I had a good deal going. Not so much.

In my defense, I think these urges are from a divine source. Last Sunday, in Young Women, we had the dreaded Procreation Lesson. I was just glad that I didn't have to teach it. Anamarie taught the lesson and did an amazing job with it. It's such a difficult topic! Anyway, something that Anamarie said really stood out to me. She talked about how urges for physical intimacy are part of Heavenly Father's plan and that they can be divine, depending on how we act on them. Heavenly Father commanded all His creation to multiply and to Adam and Eve it was given the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth. Who am I to resist divine urges? I want to multiply!

I want Sam to have little brothers and sisters. I have always wanted a big family. I don't know if I could wait another five years for another one. But that's what I said many years ago before Sam, and I did it. I could do it again. It took my mom five years to have me and then another nine years to finally have my sister. Nine years?! I'm 32 1/2 years old right now. That would put me at 41 years old. Yikes. Sometimes I think that maybe the Lord wants me to really focus on adoption right now. I don't know. I don't think I could go down the IVF road again. I have the plaque hanging in my dining room: "Faith in God includes faith in his timing" (Neal A. Maxwell). I just need to hang it on my heart.

Just another anecdotal Monday...

Two quick stories for the day...
A few weeks ago, Hubs' sister was in town with all of her family. They live in Washington, and it's a real treat when we get to see them. There are five kids in the family ranging from fourteen to three years old. Anyway, I'll tell more about the visit another day, but today Heidi called Hubs to inform him that her one of her little girls let out a huge belch today. When Heidi chided her, "What do you say?" She responded, "That was a good one!"
"Where did you learn that?"
"From my uncle."
Oh, the things kids learn. Hopefully, Hubs will only corrupt other children and not our own! (Just kidding!) =)

Yesterday we went to my parents-in-law for Sunday dinner. They have a bunch of wild cats around the yard along with three horses and two dogs. Well, when it was time to leave, we loaded Sam into the car and said our good-byes. When I went to shut Sam's car door, what should peer out at me from the other side of Sam? A wild cat. He hopped over Sam and jumped out of the car in a quick hurry when he saw that I had spotted him. Sam just laughed and laughed. I don't know how long the cat had been in the car, but Sam hadn't made a peep about it. I guess he thought he was getting a cat!

Sam Up-dates

Sam is quite the explorer of his New World. And he's a fast learner. He is quite speedy in rolling. He hasn't learned to crawl yet, and I don't know that he will. I think he will probably by-pass the crawling because he is so proficient in rolling. Why crawl on your hands and knees when you can roll across a room at the speed of light?! He is getting better at balancing when he sits up and when standing. We're getting there. Part of me wants to keep him as my little baby forever, but the other part of me realizes that he is growing and changing every day.
Sam is quite the busy body, always wiggling and moving around. Hubs likes to say, "Our snuggle bug has become a wiggle worm!" Sam is learning to use his hands and feet in different ways. He likes to do Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star with Nanny Manda, and it almost looked like he was waving at daddy (who was on the phone) today. He reaches up when he wants you to pick him up, and gives you hugs and kisses (very slobbery kisses, mind you!). Somehow he's figured out how to run his fingers over his lips to go, "blub, blub, blub, blub..." He likes to mimic facial expressions, especially sticking out his tongue, smiling, and blinking. This is our new game that I can do for hours, if he would let me! Sam is also quite vocal. He loves to talk and babble. I think we are getting very close to a first word. He says, "dadadada" quite a bit and sometimes teases me with a "mommma". One day when I asked him what my name is, he replied, "blah blah blah!" Fairly accurate! =)

A couple of days ago, Sam got into trouble for the first time. I was holding him, and he was mad about something, so he decided to bite me on my shoulder. He has two bottom teeth and one top tooth that are very sharp. I very sternly said, "Ouch! Sam that is bad! No! No!" He looked at me for a second, then his little chin started to quiver, and then he just started bawling. In the end, I think I felt worse for getting after him than he did for biting me!

Yesterday Hubs' aunt took us out to dinner at the Little America (a very nice restaurant) as a graduation gift for Hubs. Of course, Sam came along because he is the rock star. A little background information will help this story: First, it was a very, very nice restaurant. Second, this aunt is a very kind, generous, elderly, and well-to-do aunt. This is the same aunt who offered to let me borrow one of her real mink coats when Hubs and I got married. I couldn't do it. My luck, there would have been animal rights protesters that day and I would have returned it covered in red paint. Well, the minute the server placed my 'mixed greens' in front of me, Sam proceeded to throw up. Not just spit up, mind you. He was like this geyser. Luckily he was facing me and facing away from the aunt. So I very indiscreetly took a burp cloth out of the diaper bag and tried to casually mop off my child. Luckily earlier that day, I had put a ziploc bag (in case of emergencies!) in the diaper bag, so I put the ziploc bag on my lap and under the table and stuck the soggy burp cloth in the bag. The cloth was seriously drenched! Yuck! All was well. Hubs had seen the dilemma out of the corner of his eye and did his part of engaging the aunt in a lively conversation to distract her. Well, a few minutes later and a couple bites of salad later, Sam proceeded to throw up some more. I got out the wipies and cleaned him up again the best I could without drawing attention to us. Sam, bless his heart, wasn't upset by the puking. He just sat there in his car seat jabbering away. Then he started to fuss, and I knew it was time for him to eat. I debated whether or not to give him a bottle, but he was hungry after all. So he got a bottle/more ammunition. Just after he finished his bottle, he began throwing up again. Pretty much all through dinner and dessert the little guy was a fountain of puke. I just kept cleaning him up indiscreetly and shoving the used wipies into the ziploc bag on my lap and nodding along with the conversation. Finally, it was time to leave. The aunt was cooing over Sam, and I was just hoping she wouldn't get close enough to him to catch his delightful fragrance--parfum de upchuck. Hubs walked the aunt out to her car, and I took Sam into the very fancy bathroom and stripped him down. I put his soaked clothes into the ziploc bag, changed his diaper (which was also very stinky and messy), wiped him down from head to toe,and put him into a clean onesie. I also had to mop out his car seat and scrub it thoroughly. Needless to say, it was a nice dinner, but I was exhausted! And luckily I don't have a squeamish tummy because I was still able to finish my very expensive meal in between clean-ups. I am totally going to re-tell this story to Sam's prom date some day! =)